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Top 10 Hints That I Need a Diet
I don’t know about you but I’d rather laugh than cry when life sneaks up on me and cracks me right between the eyes. Case in point: my weight.
It wasn’t that long ago that I was arguably in the best shape of my adult life. But being the yo-yo dieter that I am – with emphasis on the yo-yo part – I not only lost most of my muscle tone and gained back the fat, but I packed on a few extra pounds for bad measure.
Now, I could look at the scale number, throw myself on my bed and sob over my self-inflicted misfortune. But that’s not my style. Instead, I’m gonna take a lighthearted (at least something around here is light!) look at the 10 sure signs I am desperately in need of a diet. See if you can relate.
No. 10: I find myself sucking air after performing the acrobatic maneuver needed to get socks on my feet. Like some contortionist from Cirque de Soleil, I have to perfectly gauge the distance I need to bend at the waist with the distance I need to lift my leg. Accuracy is everything. I can only hold this position for seconds at a time without aborting the mission and gasping for breath!
No. 9: To get my pants buttoned or snapped, I have to lie on the bed and flop about and groan like the demon-possessed girl in the Exorcist. Scary behavior like this means you’re fat or that you are too cheap to replace the jeans you wore in high school… 20 years ago!
No. 8: I need to steer with my knees because both my hands are busy holding my 64-ounce full-sugar fountain soft drink. If I am drinking the bucket-sized sodas, I am in trouble. It means I have chosen gluttony over portion control.
No. 7: I have a gut. And the lower portion of that gut sports the unmistakable markings of my car's steering wheel. This phenomenon usually leads to...
No. 6: My driver's seat is reclined so far back that I can easily touch the rear window by scratching my ear. Yep, this is a sure sign that I am fat – and I am desperately trying to escape Hint No. 7.
No. 5: My pile of picked-clean chicken bones resembles the sun-bleached skeletons found in old pirate movies. I know I've been especially thorough if Scruffy, my ever-hungry golden retriever, turns up his nose at the barren bones I've just finished working over.
No. 4: Shirts with a single X on the size label aren't comfy enough. Same goes for pants with waistlines of less than 40.
No. 3: The Mansierre (or Bro) episode of Seinfeld stops being funny because, like Frank Costanza, I too could use a tad more support... up there.
No. 2: A wrestling match with my kids and dog clocks in shorter than the commercials aired between evening news segments. I need the remainder of that annoying Cialis ad to catch my breath… and to slurp s little of my supersized Pepsi.
No. 1: I know I am fat when I play Dracula and avoid mirrors at all costs. Hey, it's easier to remain in denial if you don't have to come face to face with those chipmunk cheeks that sort of resemble yours... only much heavier!
Please don’t get mad at me for picking on a fat person. I am that fat person. But I won’t let this knowledge mire me in the sadness and depression that leads to inaction.
Smile… with the proper motivation, support, fitness and diet, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
John McGran (firstname.lastname@example.org) has been a writer/editor for about as long as he’s been battling his weight. During his 25 year-career, John has written for several newspapers, tabloids and Web sites. One of his newest gigs is as co-writer of BadFoodGoodFood.com.